I was talking with a friend the other day about cockney rhyming slang and that got me to thinking about Mockneys (a portmanteau of mock and cockney) and the fact that Cockney terms and phrases have over the last few years gained a new lease of life or at least “hipness” following the release of a number of Brit flicks, such as Filthy Beast, Lock Stock & 2 Smoking Barrels, etc. The director of the latter, Mr. Guy Madonna, is probably one of the most famous mockneys of them all. One of the others is of course Nigel Kennedy. Someone who on the face of it had a fairly privileged upbringing in Brighton and studied at the Yehudi Menuhin School, under Yehudi Menuhin himself no less. He at least has had the decency to relocate himself to obscurity in Poland; a county, so backward that it has yet to invent money. Nigel, it should be noted, did for a while prefer to be addressed simply as Kennedy. That for me puts him in the same group of self obsessed pretentious celebs as Cher and the artist formally known as Prince; an individual so devoid of talent that I would only pay him a visit if he held a free concert next door in order to ask him to keep the noise down.

Never one to miss the opportunity to pour vitriol on the Oliver boy I was going to add him to my list of Mockneys. But Jamie Oliver, whose dumbed-down mockneyed accent clashes violently with the cut-glass Home Counties diction of both his parents, is in fact something even worse. He is not even a mockney but a Faux Essex-Boy. He might be a real diamond geezer to some but to me he will always be a right Ravi (as in Ravi Shanka)

In the words of Mr Kennedy, sorry Kennedy, “Monster!”